Earlier today during the young afternoon I was led to visit the lookout park that is perched above one of nine water reservoirs in San Diego. The reservoir is also known as Lake Miramar, and it was in this particular small park that I once shared a room temperature Blue Moon with my brother, Alan. Although I've often loved to bicycle the trail that circumambulates the lake, today I wanted to look out from above, breathe, and think for a few minutes before plugging my nose and diving back into the spinning vortex of my responsibilities. With me I had some tea, and I drank that and the golden afternoon in.
About a week ago I felt the great weight of regret pulling me towards the damp ground, and I readily let it consume all of me for about a day. I wish I hadn't fallen for the man that would end up taking me to a parallel universe that seemed so paralyzingly real. I wish I hadn't discovered that any given emotion, taste, sound, feeling, or appearance of something could always be thoroughly described in select words -- and that I could depend on this fact -- and that there really was no longer a need to try to explain any particular thing just for the fun of it. I said farewell to poetry, songwriting, and storytelling because of that. I wish I hadn't believed that there was no place in the art world for me except for in the company of tattooers and piercers. I wish I didn't have to experience the terrible car crash and it's aftermath of the summer of 2010.
With the man I bizarrely understood that I was unacceptable at every level of being, from hair color to the very tone of my voice.
The face of my creativity became pale, blue around the lips and cold to the touch. Stories of magic orchards, centaurs, and snow capped mountains in the middle of Iowa sank to the floor of my sea where they became still.
I found intense intrigue in the potential of smooth blank skin. The appearance of steel through its creamy surface made my mind soar. Laces of sharp but temporary pain posed a taunting challenge, and on the third deep exhale, I took it all in without a single grimace.
In the wake of the auto accident, a severe case of chronic functional dyspepsia (completely nameless and frightening at the start) riveted my body for months. I nestled in fear, anger, and defeat.
As I stood there with my bare arms resting on the rail that bound the park, I remembered these things without a bitter face. I may have actually been smiling because just then, a breath of November brought toward me little fluffy specs of flower from the giant miscanthus nearby. They were like snowflakes and I felt them on my face. But, recalling these four highlighted events (and many others in between), which began taking place four years ago -- these milestones I once considered regrets -- didn't make me happy. They didn't make me sad either, not anymore. I suppose if I forgot for a minute that I'm alive and well beneath my Father's wing, and that nothing/no one can possibly come against me as I'm standing in such a spot, then I would find myself in that cold familiar stupor that I was in a week ago.
Why regret? It will make a prisoner out of you.
Proverbs 3:6 says, In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.
I believe this scripture can be applied to any spot on the timeline of your life. Now, for example. What has passed has passed. There may have been safer, wiser roads to take -- or hey, maybe the road that was taken was the right one after all. I can either feel like these years were wasted and mope, or I can take what I've learned from them (as well as the dear friends I've made) and seize the future with an excited, fiery gait. In pursuit of His will for my life, no matter how mysterious it is to me now, I will go forward. I feel like running there.